theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
FUCK WHALES
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
