On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
