True but thats because hes a fetus.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
