Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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