Moan for me like Helen Keller
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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