Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
