He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
