i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize