I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
