So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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