You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
