Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
