If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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