the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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