A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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