dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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