dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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