someone owes me an orgasm
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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