I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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