and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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