come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Randomize
