dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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