I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
