just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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