Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
