He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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