She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
