so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just had sex on a roof
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
