feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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