Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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