Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
