I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize