I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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