Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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