so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
