I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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