saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
