Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
