I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Come back. Shots need mouths.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
