Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
