i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
try to milk me bitch
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
