im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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