i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just want to make out with him forever
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
