Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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