You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
