why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
