the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
