my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
All I want is dick and wine.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
