you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
