It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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