dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
