dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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