I'm sorry my penis didn't work
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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