I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
