god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
either way he was missing a nipple.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
