no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
