Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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