in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Houston, we have a blender
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
