Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
even my farts smell like vagina
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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