Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
